Divorce: Finding the Balance

Children are Not Weapons

If you have children and you are going through a divorce, (or planning one in the near future) the children will be a small part in the process; they may be ignored or even worse: they could be used as a weapon.

The system (i.e., courts, social workers and even the lawyers) will try to bring some sense into the parents’ heads; everyone will try to convince you both to do everything possible to safeguard the children’s best interests. Unfortunately, in most cases it is a waste of time and the emotions will surpass logic and commonsense.

Children are abducted by parents, abused, used as a weapon and every side wants the child to be on his/her side. Why? The question is simple: In a divorce, people are hurt, influenced by others and think illogically therefore causing lack of understanding and undesirable behaviors.

Good Parents also have Needs

Good parents will be good parents even during and after the worst divorce scenario. Actually most parents are good parents and this article is dealing only with good parents. Good parents can be confused, manipulated but still remain Good parents.

But wait! What about the parents themselves? What about their best interests as parents, as providers for the children and as human beings? What about the children being the manipulators?

Manipulative Children

I have seen kids manipulating parents and even the Judge - many “gifted and talented” children with “powerful and natural emotional skills”. These kids know what they want and how to get it.

The tools they have today (the Internet for example) are easily accessed and they usually have the legal and social welfare system on their sides. They feel strong and capable; as a result they tend to forget their parents are people with their own needs.

Parents also Deserve Balance

Children deserve protection and there is no doubt it is important we give our children the utmost protection, but we as parents are still a very important part in the equation. We have our own interests and they may be different from the children’s interests. The solution is the “equilibrium” – balance.

Parents cannot, and must not, deprive themselves from having a normal and balanced life in order to provide their children with a “wonderful and sheltered life”. Parents must have a balanced life and fulfill their needs as well in order to be strong enough to provide for their children’s material and emotional needs.

Many times, divorced couples finally find a balance only to have it shaken or violated by new factors such as a new marriage, new children (from the new side’s previous marriage or new children from their own new marriage), new job, new dwelling far from the other side (which is always a reason to declare “war” on the parent moving far away) or any other reason changing the “status quo”.

Working Together

Children tend to “defend the weakest side”. Sometimes this is the father but most often the mother’s side. That is fine if the parents “work together”. Children must know that the parents are divorced, they may disagree but still “together” they are their parents. Two parents but one voice! Unfortunately we seldom see two parents (or more as the grandparents tend to get involved and have an opinion on every subject) with one voice.

It doesn’t really matter how hard you try, decisions must be made and one of the sides will be the “hurt” one. Children are strong enough to accept changes but in the end they need stability. It is in the parents’ hands to give them as much stability as possible without losing their own independence or mind.

Good Advice

Children must be a factor in the equation but must not be used as a weapon. Therefore we have a few proposals to help you cope and find the right balance between you, the ex-husband/wife and the children.

We will give one good piece of advice today: After making the decision to separate/divorce and before taking any course consult a therapist (a family counselor, a psychologist or any other professional in the field), to prepare yourself and then prepare your children. Do it step-by-step and not by surprising the children “out of the blue”.

From our experience this is not just a detail but a decisive factor in the entire process of separation. The separation should be between the parents and not among parents and children.

The results achieved when having a pre-consultation with a professional are much better and in the end not only the children, but especially the parents enjoy the benefits. The parents can concentrate on “real” divergences in a more productive way without the painful emotional baggage.

Summary

From the legal point of view it does matter how well prepared you and the children are for such a drastic step as a divorce/separation. A well prepared family unit will be able to cope much better with the pain, save time, lawyer’s fees and end the separation process well prepared for the next step: raising children together even as a divorced/separated couple.

 
Sincerely,

 
Tzvi Szajnbrum, Attorney at Law