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The Guide for a Wise Divorce

Introduction:

This article will not cover all aspects of divorce. But here you will find most of the answers you need, at least for first aid.

This document was prepared with different purposes in mind and will introduce most aspects of divorce between Jews and non-Jews; but the emphasis will be on divorce among couples where both sides are considered Jews.

Mixed marriages, another religion or without religion, cannot or do not need to go through the "get" process in the rabbinical court. This type of divorce is done in family court only without the intervention of the Rabbinic Court.

A divorce (Legal Separation) process is necessary when the couple is Jewish or even if they have never been "officially" married. The nationality of the spouses will matter only if they are both not Israeli citizens. In this case it is enough simply having a child born in Israel with an Israeli citizenship in order to have the case decided in family court in Israel.

Before making the decision to divorce:

You should ask yourself some preliminary questions before taking the drastic decision to divorce. Divorce always becomes traumatic for you, your partner and unfortunately for the children (when you have children with your partner and even children from a previous marriage that also ended in divorce).

Following is a short guide of questions to be examined before the divorce decision is made:

Am I sure I am making the right decision?
Am I being emotional and irrational as not to be consistent in my decisions?
Do I have another option?
Have I been influenced by others (family, friends, enemies, financial situation, rumors I heard, insecurity, low self-esteem, etc.)?
Will I have a second chance in the future? Do I need a second chance?
If the reason for divorce is "religious", did I seek answers for my doubts? Have I asked the right questions to the right people? For example, to the Rabbi who knows me well?
Do I require from my spouse more than s/he can give me?
Am I ready to put the future of the children in jeopardy?
What will be my financial situation in the future?
Finally: What are my alternatives? Are these real alternatives?

Do not be fooled: There are limits to everything in life.

Continuing to be miserably married and unhappy is not a solution.
Living under threat, humiliation or physical and verbal violence is not a viable option in any case whatsoever.
Living without autonomy is not the solution. You have the full right to make your own decisions in your life.

You have an obligation to ask yourself these and other questions before entering the divorce process.

After making the decision to divorce:

From the moment you decided the only solution is divorce, do not waste time. Every hour counts and each of your next moves will make a difference; influence the process and thus the outcome of the process.

Your new set of problems to be solved has just begun. Do not be discouraged, it is the beginning of a new era and the end of your suffering.

Do not be fooled and do not be surprised by the attitude of your spouse. From the moment s/he becomes aware of your decision, everything can change and often you will find a "new partner" who you have never met before; a partner who may be against you, who will think only of how to take from you the maximum and give you the minimum, a partner who only thinks of himself or herself. You may be surprised with the change of attitude! You will wonder "how could I be married to such a person?” Human nature is amazing!

It is common for the spouse to escape and leave the country without the partner`s knowledge; to lose money in games or in "business" so s/he can claim: "there is nothing left" .

The first step may have vital influence on the final result of the divorce. It is up to you to make the first and the right step as accurately and quickly as possible.

What do you do after making the decision?

Now that you are already being assisted by a professional (a lawyer who specializes in the field of divorce and not another type of "helper"), begin to plan your steps. Below you will find a short list of steps that you must take!

Act quickly and remember that in Israel the first to open the case may have a partial advantage because of the problem regarding Jurisdictions ("Meiruts Samchuioit").
The key word: Complete Secrecy! Do not tell anyone, be careful, do not volunteer information and do not let yourself be surprised.
Caution and patience are extremely important. Keep your documents away from home. Make copies of any document that can be used in the future.
Save any recordings, letters, and e-mails in a safe place. It is always advisable to back up your documents on your computer off-site and change passwords.
Being married, you can still enjoy the marital assets. In other words: You can still use your joint bank account to pay the attorneys` fees, etc. but after entering the process, you will no longer benefit from joint assets to pay those expenses (you cannot under any circumstances "empty" your bank account).
Make an accurate inventory of the common property. Look at documents, records, bank statements, etc.
Your jewelry and "personal belongings" will not be divided. Remember this fact.
Write everything down; keep a diary of everything that happens (especially strange things that you do not understand). This may be useful in the future.
It is advisable to make a Will immediately (anything can happen in life). Remember that in case of death, your spouse will be entitled to half of the property automatically.
Try to achieve a decent deal with the other side! An agreement that will last and serve both of you and the children. This will avoid future legal battles.
Keep in mind the need for a “Plan B” in case something goes wrong.

What not to do after making the decision:

Excellent, you have made a decision. It is not enough yet and now that you are technically ready, below is a short list of things you should not do!

Do not try to be your own lawyer. Do not listen to the advice of non-lawyers and do not try to save money. You need a good professional and a lot of luck. This is your future.
Do not try to make a separation agreement without legal representation even if you are both in total agreement. You may not need a lawyer for the case itself, but you need one to write an agreement in accordance with the law; one that will be accepted by the Family or Rabbinic Court.
Do not sign anything if you are not sure you understand the real meaning of what you are signing.
Never take any action against your spouse without receiving legal assistance before doing it!
Do not think twice - in case of violence seek help immediately. Do not wait for anyone and do not listen to anyone. Your life and health are paramount.
Especially for men: If you suspect that your spouse is planning to use "the trick of the violent husband" against you (i.e., false complaints to the police etc.) - do not think twice and leave the house immediately.
Avoid at any cost whatsoever the help offered by the social services. This will be your most serious error. Do not seek help before you consult a good lawyer. Do not let social services get close to you if you can avoid it (you can usually avoid it).
Do not agree in any way to increase your debts with the bank (the debts will always be divided equally between the couple). There is no "mine” and "theirs” - the goods, as well as the debts, are shared between the couple (generally in equal parts).

Popular myths:

Do not believe myths and remember that myths have been created with some purpose. In court you will deal with the laws and not the myths. Find below a short list of popular myths.

Children born outside marriage, no matter what the circumstances, are entitled to receive alimony (from the father when Jewish) or from the other spouse depending who has the custody.
The wife who betrays her husband does not lose her rights automatically.
No husband can force the partner to do a DNA test even if you have questions/doubts about the paternity of the child!
Alimony is for children and not for the spouse (the wife), but the wife is entitled to a certain period of alimony until the divorce is finalized.
The rabbinical court will not always be the best resort for the husband. It depends from case to case.
It is not enough to open a divorce lawsuit in the Rabbinic Court. The process must include everything ("Kricha"): Separation of property, alimony, custody, etc. but depending on the case it can be done in parallel in the Family Court
The property can be divided and the alimony stipulated, even before the "Get" is given!
Even with a copy of the Will, remember that your spouse may have made another one in secrecy. In this case, the most recent will be the valid one. In case of death, the spouse may have stipulated that his/her share (half) will go to whomever he/she wants - even a lover.
Lawyers are not always bad. Most of the time they can be your best friend in hard times.

Emotions:

Your closest friends will be your attorney and your "rationality". Your biggest enemies are: Your spouse and your emotions. Find below a short list of subjects related to the emotions that will influence the process of divorce.

Think of long-term and not short-term! Life goes on after divorce.
Always remember that there is no absolute truth or justice; you will need some flexibility in this process. Do not let your emotions overcome you. You will need to be rational and coherent.
Couples break up (generally) because they are not happy and not for revenge or to get richer. By contrast, usually the financial situation deteriorates with the separation and everything gets more complicated.
Do not be fooled by "crocodile tears" or "threats from the spouse". The less emotion is involved the more likely you will benefit from the situation.
Never, but never, incite children against the spouse. No matter what emotional state you are in at the moment, never speak badly of your partner with the children.
Children should be outside the arena of struggle between you two. Remember that walls have ears and you do not want the case to reach the "wrong ears".
Do not get depressed and try to leave the stage of "denial" (cannot stand going through this any longer, he does not want a divorce, etc.). The faster you accept reality, the better for everyone.
Remember to "play life" from the moment you make the decision to separate. How do you play in life? You live your own life and s/he lives her/his own. From now on you take care of your well-being!

Sincerely,

Tzvi Szajnbrum, Attorney at Law